absolutelyBangkok archive · Culture shock
Originally published Jan. 1, 2010
Here’s a scoop, but first: A new decade ahead — and with it new hopes and wishes, even though we all know nothing is harder to change than old habits and oneself.
Surprisingly, this New Year’s Eve I forgot to come up with a single resolution for 2010. Simply forgot. Becoming lazy? Because things can only get better?
Can no more quit smoking because that happened years ago. Spending time with the family always was priority no. 1. Fitness? Prefer the sabai-sabai-approach. But there is true need for change. Here are the Thai government’s classified New Year’s resolutions, received from a well-placed source within the circles of Deputy Minister for Vice & Dice, Sombat Mairuulueang, code-named the “Ten 2010 Commandments”:
Again, for your eyes only:
1.
The Royal Thai Government will pursue a Face/Off approach in dealing with the enemy of the state, Thaksin Shinawatra. It remains highly confidential when and where exactly the surgical sting operation will take place. Expect Thaksin to soon have the appearance of, well, can’t disclose that here, but expect mayhem after two look-alikes appear, with one proclaiming he’s not he and the other one pretending he is he. Just wait.
2.
Universally popular
Lin Ping, herself a second-generation Chinese immigrant like most of Thailand’s top leadership, is the front-runner to lead Thailand’s next government after the Democrats dissolve themselves voluntarily to counter accusations of double standards. Kindly note that Lin Ping will be Thailand’s first female Prime Ministress.
3.
A ground-breaking compulsory General Lottery will replace general elections. The courts of justice will be open to debates, true to the basic constitutional right of freedom of expression, and due to the foreseeable lack of quorum decisive baccarat and roulette tables will be installed in courtrooms up and down the country.
4.
Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, retiring, will officially declare his candidacy for Mr. Universe, Mr. World and Mr. Galaxy to promote Thailand as the Shangri-La of beauty and peace — while reciting Shakespeare in Islamic boarding schools around the globe. Pro bono for that.
5.
In a not yet seen operation stunning the laws of physics, Thailand will officially alter the spectrum of colors. Yellow can conveniently be turned into red and so forth, depending on one’s to be indoctrinated point of view. But first and foremost the universe has to be expanded to allow Thai physicist more leeway. History in the making. Tests so far though turn everything brown.
6.
Next, Thai history and related history books will be rewritten. Previously systematically destroyed accounts of unbiased witnesses to history see again the light of day. Large temple fairs will be organized to celebrate the return of stolen territory to Cambodia and Myanmar while Laos is given the right to hold a referendum to peacefully annex Thailand as a 17th southern province. In the future it will be even easier to blame foreigners and neighbors alike for the general malaise holding down the once proud kingdom. It wasn’t us.
7.
All over the country prayer campaigns are launched to support the environment and honestly wish there is still an environment at the end of the year.
8.
After a long struggle trying to make sense of it all the terms morality, ethics and respect are officially deleted from the Thai vocabulary as there is no point in fighting urges and drives.
9.
In a world’s first, Thailand is going public. Governing will be privatized. Tourists get their well-deserved share. This culmination of transparency knows no more need to hide and pretend. The head of the eager Thai Stock Exchange SET will be the de facto head of heads. Expect the rest of the world to, after years of dispraise, once again and proudly follow Thailand’s suit.
10.
Finally to be named
Land of the Free, people formerly known as Thais reach perfect 100% scores in oral satisfaction, monetary destruction and the knack to smile without actually smiling.
Don’t tell me this confidential list is not complete.
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